And lack-there-of…
By whose standards am I supposed to be living?
I had a set of goals I set when I was 18, reached them all by 25. I lost my way for a while and then I set a new set of goals in 2022. I have reached all of those a little shy of four years later. Now what?
I have loved. I have married. I have divorced.
What comes after that? I mean this is rhetorical, I know life still goes on, you can find new love … blah blah blah.
What I’m asking is after you’ve reached the final stage of everything*, what do you strive for? Or are you even striving for anything at all? Lately, it seems like I have more questions than answers. That’s new for me too. I used to know it all (lol).
There’s A Paradox
I want the peace of my solidarity, but I want to the passion of partnership. But how does that work? Is it even fair?
I think once you reach a certain age all the things that used to make sense just don’t anymore. And you have to be open to see different, be different. I’ve learned everything I don’t want up until now. Do I have the courage and patience to really make my way through to the other side of whatever this is?
The more I am open to getting to know people, the more people I am meeting that I realize I don’t want to know. Is it me? Maybe. Maybe not.
What I do know is this…
I do not want to be bored anymore. I want to be so captivated by my life, my love, my lore … that I don’t notice the time flying by. It flies when you’re having fun right? Right now this shit is not fun. I so badly want to skip to the good parts, but apparently I have matured and I know that the good parts are the ones you wait for. I am in no imminent rush, but I do have a timeline.
At minimum I want to be in the beginning stages of at least really liking someone in the next 349 days. I think thats fair lol.
Hard No.
Staying anywhere, with anyone, for longer than it feels right.
Being a yes man.
Putting anyone’s happiness over my own (it should be equally important).
Acting like i’m interested just because someone is interested in me.
Constant complaints and no solutions.
Being judgmental.
Paying for someone’s participation.
There are more, but that gets the point across I think. I am just tired of the same shit, so I am trying some different shit.
It is going to take some time, some trial and error for sure, but I’m ready. This time I am not looking for love to fill a void. I want love to just come chill in the room with me, get comfortable, be itself. And for that, I am more than willing to wait my turn.
The hardest part of all of this is trying to ignore the human urge to find someone to help take the edge off.