BS

IDEK Anymore TBH

Saudia — Mon, 07 Sep 2026 19:33:13 +0000

007

Saudia — Sat, 11 Jul 2026 07:00:45 +0000

"a muse"

A few things have been heavy on my mind

So amuse me for a minute…

I want my love to feel like whatever it is that inspires your brushes every stroke

I want my love to feel like the perfect lyric, the perfect melody, perfect note

I want to love you so beautifully, that it helps you hold on to your hope

I want to be there for you to tag me in, when life might have you on the ropes

Just amuse me…

I want to inspire you to write

I want to exist inside your life

I want to tell you every secret

I want to feel you every night

Just amuse me…

I might need time away, I want to miss you

Spend days thinking about the last time that I kissed you

I’d travel anywhere to do it again, it’s no issue

Just amuse me…

When you look at me I want you to see forever

I want us to live inside that delusion together

When you hear my voice I want it to sound sweet

I want you to enjoy every word that I might speak

When you feel comfortable enough to let me in

I want to make vulnerability feel safe again

When you taste all of the finer things in life

I want to make sure that I can keep you satisfied

When you stop to smell the aroma of the flowers

I wish I could make sure the scent lingers for hours

Amuse me…

To appeal to every sense

Won’t stop until it ends

To be lovers, to be friends

To be in love again

…if you amuse me

Life. Love.

Saudia — Wed, 20 May 2026 07:35:09 +0000

By whose standards am I supposed to be living?

life, love AND LACK-THERE-OF…

I had a set of goals I set when I was 18, reached them all by 25. I lost my way for a while and then I set a new set of goals in 2022. I have reached all of those a little shy of four years later. Now what?

I have loved. I have married. I have divorced.

What comes after that? I mean this is rhetorical, I know life still goes on, you can find new love … blah blah blah.

What I’m asking is after you’ve reached the final stage of everything*, what do you strive for? Or are you even striving for anything at all? Lately, it seems like I have more questions than answers. That’s new for me too. I used to know it all (lol).

there’s a paradox

I want the peace of my solidarity, but I want to the passion of partnership. But how does that work? Is it even fair?

I think once you reach a certain age all the things that used to make sense just don’t anymore. And you have to be open to see different, be different. I’ve learned everything I don’t want up until now. Do I have the courage and patience to really make my way through to the other side of whatever this is?

The more I am open to getting to know people, the more people I am meeting that I realize I don’t want to know. Is it me? Maybe. Maybe not.

what I do know is this…

I do not want to be bored anymore. I want to be so captivated by my life, my love, my lore … that I don’t notice the time flying by. It flies when you’re having fun right? Right now this shit is not fun. I so badly want to skip to the good parts, but apparently I have matured and I know that the good parts are the ones you wait for. I am in no imminent rush, but I do have a timeline.

At minimum I want to be in the beginning stages of at least really liking someone in the next 349 days. I think thats fair lol.

hard no’s

Staying anywhere, with anyone, for longer than it feels right.
Being a yes man.
Putting anyone’s happiness over my own (it should be equally important).
Acting like i’m interested just because someone is interested in me.
Constant complaints and no solutions.
Being judgmental.
Paying for someone’s participation.

There are more, but that gets the point across I think. I am just tired of the same shit, so I am trying some different shit.

It is going to take some time, some trial and error for sure, but I’m ready. This time I am not looking for love to fill a void. I want love to just come chill in the room with me, get comfortable, be itself. And for that, I am more than willing to wait my turn.

The hardest part of all of this is trying to ignore the human urge to find someone to help take the edge off.

006

Saudia — Mon, 18 May 2026 07:00:15 +0000

"discernment"

ain’t nothing hopeless about my romantic

my love doesn’t require me to fall

not one person has done enough damage

to make me not want love at all

my highs don’t come with no fuckin lows

my love always answers when I call

when the persons right, my body knows

and there’s no need for me to pause

the type of love I want trust me, I’ve earned it

that’s probably why I have so much discernment

Who I am

Saudia — Thu, 07 May 2026 07:00:57 +0000

it was my birthday or whatever.

who i am … IS NOT WHO I WAS

Well, here I am 39…

I feel like a lot has changed over the last few years and I have been fighting to hold on to pieces of myself. But something in me is just ready to settle into who I feel emerging, but this is uncharted territory.

I cry more. I smile more. I laugh more. I feel more. I want more.

There is this softness covering me that I haven’t felt before, and it’s warm and I’m wrapped up in it. But I am still navigating how to trust it. I am still looking over my shoulder for some kind of bomb to drop.

Then there is another part of me that has this unexplainable knowing that everything that I want is right there in front of me. I just need to muster up the courage to reach out and grab it. I am taking steps to do it, I promise. It’s hard to get out of survival mode. I’m doing it at a pace that feels comfortable.

But the aching for connection is creeping in, not to the point where I will make any bad or hasty decisions … but like I am ready for it. I used to have a lot of nightmares, lately I just have these vivid dreams filled with passion, art, music, happiness. It’s sad, but thats new for me. Everything in my life just seems lighter, healthier, right.

SO WHAT’S THE ISSUE?

I mean honestly, I’m struggling with where to put all these new feelings. I am so far removed from dating that I feel like I don’t know how to talk to people. It’s not that I don’t have anything to say. I just don’t know if I’m reading the right signals. Or if there are even any signals at all.

Have you ever craved something for so long that when you finally get it on your plate the anticipation makes you lose your appetite? That’s what I feel right now. I want love, I want affection, I want intention, I want yearning, I want connection. But I have worries about losing my peace … I need this peace.

BEING TURNED ON IS TURNING ME OFF…

If I can be brutally honest for a second, it’s been over 2 years since I’ve had sex, and even longer since I’ve had intimacy. And that has me cautious of getting to know people, because I don’t want my judgement to be clouded. I am starting to ask myself are you really attracted to this person, or are you horny? And I have not been able to answer that for myself.

And if that is the case I don’t want to fuck up something that could be good, by trying to do too much too fast … but what if i’m moving too slow? These are all new questions for me. I used to jump pussy first into relationships and deal with the fall out later. I will not do that again. So what do I do?

How do I fix my judgement? How long should I wait? I clearly have a lot of questions. Here are a few more:

How the fuck do I flirt? (I’ve resorted to watching rom-coms, with a grain of salt)
How can I tell that someone is actually interested in me?
Do I need to make the first move?
If i’m coming on, what’s too strong?

THEN THERE’S ONE MORE THING.

I really really really get turned on when someone approaches me, if it is someone that I am interested in. But it seems that right now the only people that are approaching me are people that I just don’t feel it for. I am not completely shallow, and I can find things to like about anyone.

But I want to feel fire. Right now there is no fire, there might be a little heat rising, but I don’t really have confirmation of a mutual spark. And if it takes too long to see it, I just assume it’s not there. I need very clear evidence that someone is interested in me.

I think my lesson is patience right now. I have options, but I am being tested to see if I can actually hold out for the right one … and not just try to satisfy myself right now.

I am very aware I need to get to know more than one person to figure out who is for me, I just need them to actually try to get to know me back.

So I don’t feel like I am making the shit up in my head.

I’m not chaotic…

Saudia — Fri, 17 Apr 2026 07:00:27 +0000

All of the sayings we hear about love are kinda negative, no? Think about it. Hopeless romantic. Falling in love. Why am I a falling? Why am I hopeless?

i’m not chaotic, WHY DOES LOVE HAVE TO BE?

When I think about love it’s warm, soft … like sunshine. It can be intense, blinding at times. It can warm up everything around you. There are the little pockets of perfection when it hits you just right. It covers you in this golden aura as it comes and goes. It’s light. It’s captivating. It has ups, downs. No matter what, it shows up for you every day.

That’s the love I want to give and receive at least. I know that it’s not too much to ask for because the love I want isn’t perfect, but it shows up.

I didn’t think I would be writing this much about love, but here we are. Over the last few weeks I have started paying attention to women more and more. The shit I see is unfortunate. I remember when I thought that there needed to be chaos for things to feel real too. But that shit is just not it.

I see people thinking it’s cute to objectify women. I see people say that if people aren’t trying to contact them after they are block they just aren’t working hard enough. Excuse me, what the fuck? I love a little mess, but I don’t want to live in it. So many different things have been rubbing me the wrong way lol.

I want a healthy, peaceful and fulfilling relationship. One with care. One with compassion. One that holds space for us to be who we are without judgement. One that we choose every day. Because love is definitely a choice. And I genuinely don’t think there is a better feeling to me than being chosen, intentionally.

005

Saudia — Mon, 13 Apr 2026 07:07:42 +0000

"compatible"

Fire needs air to live.

Earth needs water to grow.

Water will extinguish the fire.

Earth restricts how air wants to flow.

Water just wants to be.

The wind just wants to blow.

You are you and I am me.

But there’s more we need to know.

Who you are, and where you’ve been.

How far down you stand on your toes.

What you like, what you believe.

I need to see the passion in your goals.

Can you sit with me in silence?

Do you pray? Did you vote?

Those things matter more than signs…

when you ask if we’re compatible.

Are there any romantic people left?

Saudia — Sun, 29 Mar 2026 07:00:05 +0000

romance is something I've never been able to grab hold of

Are there any romantic people left? I mean like really romantic…

I grew up watching these rom-coms with these beautiful intelligent people, with these cool jobs, on these intimate dates, having these deep conversations, flicking cigarette ashes on the floor of a dimly lit little nook, in a restaurant filled with other people all doing the same thing…

I know that was a pretty long sentence, but stay with me. Where the fuck is that?

By the time I got old enough to have these experiences people had replaced all of that with drunken nights we can’t remember. There was no depth, but there was a lot of fucking and dancing. Then when you add in the horrible time a lot of us had with relationships because we traded love for lust, and conflated care and support with abuse. I mean, no bueno.

This world owes me my romantic adult life, and I fear I am not going to rest until I get it. I must admit, they almost got me, I was almost gonna settle for a quiet life alone. ~~And in some ways I still want a little of that sprinkled in here and there.~~ In reality, I want a life that feels like I’m living it.

I want passionate kisses.
I want quiet movie nights.
I want sexy vacations.
I want love thats as loud as me.
I want romance.
I want pleasure.
I want to be yearned for.

What is life without having felt that? When you examine art closely … most of it is about love and/or the artists relationship with it. People talk about love a lot, but how many of us really feel it, in all ways, all at once? I’m not falling for the propaganda that being loved fully and properly is a fairytale. No thank you. There is a person who might be reading this right now, or even just somewhere thinking these exact things. Our thoughts might be aligning us with each other.

I have taken a lot risks in my life. But I have never taken the risk of taking the first step and really asking for what I want. Maybe the only way that I will ever find someone that accentuates my life and doesn’t drain me (and vice versa), is to start writing again and letting the words find who they are meant for.

But I have plenty of patience to make sure I make the right choice, and not just a choice so I can have someone around. I would rather not do that again (I have done that enough lol).

I am so tired of people having this need to act like they don’t have any emotions. For once in my life, I want to feel everything with someone. And I want them to have the courage with feel everything with me.

I want someone to love me as much as Eric Bellinger loves writing songs.

I changed my mind…

Saudia — Mon, 23 Mar 2026 07:07:25 +0000

I have been sitting here for the last month thinking about love. It’s been this consistent nagging in the back of my mind. Whenever I ignore my inner voice, conscience … whatever you want to call it, I regret it.So I have just been letting my mind wander, none of the thoughts are negative, nothing about me wanting to maintain my own space and autonomy has changed. What has changed is my curiosity. I am curious about what would love feel like as this version of myself. The version of myself that isn’t in survival mode.

WHAT DOES LOVE FEEL LIKE WHEN I LOVE MYSELF?

I think I need an answer to that. I do not want to leave this planet without having felt, participated in, and given in to … healthy love. I deserve that. Someone deserves to experience that version of me.

One thing I am noticing, is that these thoughts are also bringing up new insecurities:

Do I really want this?
Im older, does anybody want me?
Im working on my health and body, should I wait?
Am I even attractive anymore?

I’m catching them in the moment and trying to examine if I really feel that way, or if I am just trying to chicken out of putting in the effort to find this fairytale happy ending.

Because I know it exists. I know that there is a person out there that will love my brand of humor, every dish I make, will listen to every word I speak. But I also know, it won’t be the first person I encounter (or maybe it will), I will have to kiss a few frogs probably. I am ok with that. Deep down I hope that people that don’t turn into lovers are able to turn into friends. If that is how my community is built, so be it.

I said I was never going to tell the world what I wanted again, but you know what, closed mouths don’t get fed. I know the risk, I know there are people that will try to be / do everything I list here. But one thing is different now, me. I know how to read a room and a situation very well. I am a damn good judge of the characters that are acceptable in my story.

SO HERE GOES NOTHING…

These are some things that have to happen in order for me to know that I am going to love this person for as long as the universe allows me:

Deep conversations about anything that last all night.
Being able to sit in silence together.
Sharing love through food.
Going on adventures / traveling without drama.
Creating some kind of art together.
Consistent mutual care and support.
Making each other laugh.
Being able to share our day with each other.
Respect for personal space and alone time.
Remaining two individuals with our own lives (we do not need to intertwine everything).

This list will grow, and evolve … now what kind of person / lover do I want? That deserves a list of its own:

Someone who looks at me with love.
Someone who photographs me beautifully (how someone takes a picture of you shows how they see you).
Someone that yearns for me, and only me.
Someone that is open-minded.
Someone who’s personality complements mine and vice versa.
Someone who loves art and music.
Someone that understands that we practice ALL love languages over here.
Someone bold.
Someone adventurous.
Someone that knows how to comfort me, and allows me to comfort them.
Someone who will tell me what I did that may have hurt them before they tell everyone else.
Someone that wants to be there.
Someone that is loud about how they feel for me.
Someone that doesn’t need me to take care of them financially.
Someone that’s already living in their dream, because I am living in mine.
Someone who stands for something.
Someone that will speak up for me, and speak life into me.
Someone that isn’t scared to be sweet.
Someone that doesn’t turn into different people around different people.

I don’t really care about the shallow things, I don’t have a “type.” I believe that there is always something about a person to be attracted to. Most of the time personality is what draws me in anyway … there still has to be something that I am attracted to though lol.

What matters to me the most is that daily this person chooses me, and I will do the same. In life we are all healing and learning constantly (at least we should be), so I am not looking for someone that is perfect … only someone that is perfect for me.

And I don’t even care if it’s too much to ask for. I am asking for it, because it is what I want. And I won’t settle for anything less than that. And I hope that the person I do encounter has a list of their own, and that I check everything off. Everything I require for myself I am fine with giving it to someone else.

50/50 ISN’T FOR ME.

I will bring 100% of me to the table, and you bring 100% of yourself. I want whoever this person is to never have to be anything other than who they are around me. I want to provide that type of comfort, because I want it for myself. I think 50/50 is a trap. It sounds good, but the thing is, for me, that dynamic has done nothing but create resentment. You both are fighting to feel whole the entire time. I don’t think that works for lesbians lol.

I want someone that is strong enough to be soft. I want someone that knows how to relinquish control sometimes. I want someone that is dominant, not just sexually (a plus though), but in their mindset. It turns me on when I don’t always have to make a decision. Or when someone has paid enough attention to me that they don’t have to ask me what I want, because they already know.

Now don’t get that twisted with me wanting someone to read my mind and know how I’m feeling. I prefer sayin exactly how I feel when I feel it, so it can be fixed right then.

Anyway I think, I’m rambling. BBL.

Save the Date

Saudia — Mon, 05 Jan 2026 07:00:49 +0000

what I want changes day to day, but I want something lol

IS WHAT I WANT REALLY THAT UNCONVENTIONAL?

The way I feel about dating and relationships has changed a lot over time. I just don’t think that what I want right now aligns with what most people are looking for. So now I feel like, maybe this year I won’t focus on dating at all.

Do I want to go on dates? Of course I do. I also want to be desired, treated intentionally, fucked. But that’s where it starts to shift, I do not want to be tied to anyone. No, I don’t feel this way because I just want to fuck around with everyone. I want to actually experience what it feels like to live freely, let love happen, not be on a constant search to fulfill a void I just don’t have.

I am very content with myself, I like spending time alone, I enjoy having my own space. I’ve spent so much of my life compromising me so I could keep people around, I refuse to continue that, the shit is dead.

The type of love I want to experience for the rest of my life, has layers, pockets, little compartments that only certain people can access. And thinking about the vastness of the world, has led me to feel (and this is for my life not yours), that I need to spread my love around. You cannot get it ALL from one person, thats why we have friends, it’s supplemental companionship.

And I have never actually dated. I just went on a date with a person and ended up in an automatic relationship. That’s cool when you’re 20-something. But I am a year and some change away from 40.

I want to get to know multiple people at once, at a very slow pace. I want to ask them questions. I want them to ask me questions. I want us to experience things together. And yes, I know you can do this with one person at a time, I’ve done it, and it hasn’t worked (for me). I have this vision of what my life is going to be, and it’s not unrealistic, or unattainable, so it’s what I’m going to do. (See; Tracee Ellis Ross)

The question is, when everyone is looking for a wife, where do I look?

(might change my mind later)