… is not who I was
Well, here I am 39…
I feel like a lot has changed over the last few years and I have been fighting to hold on to pieces of myself. But something in me is just ready to settle into who I feel emerging, but this is uncharted territory.
I cry more. I smile more. I laugh more. I feel more. I want more.
There is this softness covering me that I haven’t felt before, and it’s warm and I’m wrapped up in it. But I am still navigating how to trust it. I am still looking over my shoulder for some kind of bomb to drop.
Then there is another part of me that has this unexplainable knowing that everything that I want is right there in front of me. I just need to muster up the courage to reach out and grab it. I am taking steps to do it, I promise. It’s hard to get out of survival mode. I’m doing it at a pace that feels comfortable.
But the aching for connection is creeping in, not to the point where I will make any bad or hasty decisions … but like I am ready for it. I used to have a lot of nightmares, lately I just have these vivid dreams filled with passion, art, music, happiness. It’s sad, but thats new for me. Everything in my life just seems lighter, healthier, right.
So what’s the issue?
I mean honestly, I’m struggling with where to put all these new feelings. I am so far removed from dating that I feel like I don’t know how to talk to people. It’s not that I don’t have anything to say. I just don’t know if I’m reading the right signals. Or if there are even any signals at all.
Have you ever craved something for so long that when you finally get it on your plate the anticipation makes you lose your appetite? That’s what I feel right now. I want love, I want affection, I want intention, I want yearning, I want connection. But I have worries about losing my peace … I need this peace.
Being turned on is turning me off…
If I can be brutally honest for a second, it’s been over 2 years since I’ve had sex, and even longer since I’ve had intimacy. And that has me cautious of getting to know people, because I don’t want my judgement to be clouded. I am starting to ask myself are you really attracted to this person, or are you horny? And I have not been able to answer that for myself.
And if that is the case I don’t want to fuck up something that could be good, by trying to do too much too fast … but what if i’m moving too slow? These are all new questions for me. I used to jump pussy first into relationships and deal with the fall out later. I will not do that again. So what do I do?
How do I fix my judgement? How long should I wait? I clearly have a lot of questions. Here are a few more:
How the fuck do I flirt? (I’ve resorted to watching rom-coms, with a grain of salt)
How can I tell that someone is actually interested in me?
Do I need to make the first move?
If i’m coming on, what’s too strong?
Then there’s one more thing.
I really really really get turned on when someone approaches me, if it is someone that I am interested in. But it seems that right now the only people that are approaching me are people that I just don’t feel it for. I am not completely shallow, and I can find things to like about anyone.
But I want to feel fire. Right now there is no fire, there might be a little heat rising, but I don’t really have confirmation of a mutual spark. And if it takes too long to see it, I just assume it’s not there. I need very clear evidence that someone is interested in me.
I think my lesson is patience right now. I have options, but I am being tested to see if I can actually hold out for the right one … and not just try to satisfy myself right now.
I am very aware I need to get to know more than one person to figure out who is for me, I just need them to actually try to get to know me back.
So I don’t feel like I am making the shit up in my head.