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selfish + selfcentered
selfish + selfcentered
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I have been sitting here for the last month thinking about love. It’s been this consistent nagging in the back of my mind. Whenever I ignore my inner voice, conscience … whatever you want to call it, I regret it.So I have just been letting my mind wander, none of the thoughts are negative, nothing about me wanting to maintain my own space and autonomy has changed. What has changed is my curiosity. I am curious about what would love feel like as this version of myself. The version of myself that isn’t in survival mode.

WHAT DOES LOVE FEEL LIKE WHEN I LOVE MYSELF?

I think I need an answer to that. I do not want to leave this planet without having felt, participated in, and given in to … healthy love. I deserve that. Someone deserves to experience that version of me.

One thing I am noticing, is that these thoughts are also bringing up new insecurities:

  1. Do I really want this?
  2. Im older, does anybody want me?
  3. Im working on my health and body, should I wait?
  4. Am I even attractive anymore?

I’m catching them in the moment and trying to examine if I really feel that way, or if I am just trying to chicken out of putting in the effort to find this fairytale happy ending.

Because I know it exists. I know that there is a person out there that will love my brand of humor, every dish I make, will listen to every word I speak. But I also know, it won’t be the first person I encounter (or maybe it will), I will have to kiss a few frogs probably. I am ok with that. Deep down I hope that people that don’t turn into lovers are able to turn into friends. If that is how my community is built, so be it.

I said I was never going to tell the world what I wanted again, but you know what, closed mouths don’t get fed. I know the risk, I know there are people that will try to be / do everything I list here. But one thing is different now, me. I know how to read a room and a situation very well. I am a damn good judge of the characters that are acceptable in my story.

SO HERE GOES NOTHING…

These are some things that have to happen in order for me to know that I am going to love this person for as long as the universe allows me:

  1. Deep conversations about anything that last all night.
  2. Being able to sit in silence together.
  3. Sharing love through food.
  4. Going on adventures / traveling without drama.
  5. Creating some kind of art together.
  6. Consistent mutual care and support.
  7. Making each other laugh.
  8. Being able to share our day with each other.
  9. Respect for personal space and alone time.
  10. Remaining two individuals with our own lives (we do not need to intertwine everything).

This list will grow, and evolve … now what kind of person / lover do I want? That deserves a list of its own:

  1. Someone who looks at me with love.
  2. Someone who photographs me beautifully (how someone takes a picture of you shows how they see you).
  3. Someone that yearns for me, and only me.
  4. Someone that is open-minded.
  5. Someone who’s personality complements mine and vice versa.
  6. Someone who loves art and music.
  7. Someone that understands that we practice ALL love languages over here.
  8. Someone bold.
  9. Someone adventurous.
  10. Someone that knows how to comfort me, and allows me to comfort them.
  11. Someone who will tell me what I did that may have hurt them before they tell everyone else.
  12. Someone that wants to be there.
  13. Someone that is loud about how they feel for me.
  14. Someone that doesn’t need me to take care of them financially.
  15. Someone that’s already living in their dream, because I am living in mine.
  16. Someone who stands for something.
  17. Someone that will speak up for me, and speak life into me.
  18. Someone that isn’t scared to be sweet.
  19. Someone that doesn’t turn into different people around different people.

I don’t really care about the shallow things, I don’t have a “type.” I believe that there is always something about a person to be attracted to. Most of the time personality is what draws me in anyway … there still has to be something that I am attracted to though lol.

What matters to me the most is that daily this person chooses me, and I will do the same. In life we are all healing and learning constantly (at least we should be), so I am not looking for someone that is perfect … only someone that is perfect for me.

And I don’t even care if it’s too much to ask for. I am asking for it, because it is what I want. And I won’t settle for anything less than that. And I hope that the person I do encounter has a list of their own, and that I check everything off. Everything I require for myself I am fine with giving it to someone else.

50/50 ISN’T FOR ME.

I will bring 100% of me to the table, and you bring 100% of yourself. I want whoever this person is to never have to be anything other than who they are around me. I want to provide that type of comfort, because I want it for myself. I think 50/50 is a trap. It sounds good, but the thing is, for me, that dynamic has done nothing but create resentment. You both are fighting to feel whole the entire time. I don’t think that works for lesbians lol.

I want someone that is strong enough to be soft. I want someone that knows how to relinquish control sometimes. I want someone that is dominant, not just sexually (a plus though), but in their mindset. It turns me on when I don’t always have to make a decision. Or when someone has paid enough attention to me that they don’t have to ask me what I want, because they already know.

Now don’t get that twisted with me wanting someone to read my mind and know how I’m feeling. I prefer sayin exactly how I feel when I feel it, so it can be fixed right then.

Anyway I think, I’m rambling. BBL.